Columbus Day in New Amsterdam

Man I am about to get right up out of this chair and make some coffee. It’s going to be the shit.

Like, what I’m saying, I’m going to get up, like physically, alright? Can you grasp that?

I mean I am literally seconds away from moving out of this chair, alright?

No, I don’t think you understand. You’re not quite getting it.

That’s alright though, because in, like, five seconds I think…five seconds probably my ass is going to be up out of this chair. I’m going to be turning right the fuck around and going into the kitchen and I’m going to make coffee.

See I already know that Sister left the coffee beans right next to the record player. I don’t know why in fuck she did that, because the coffee beans clearly are not musical. You can’t even eat coffee beans while listening to records. Coffee beans have no acoustic qualities.

I’m going to grab that nasty ass can of Trader Joe’s fair trade bullshit whole bean coffee beans and I’m going to pop that lid and be like, hell yeah, I did my part for the liberation of Equaraguistan today.

Then I’m going to grind that shit up in a burr grinder, mother fucker. Do you know what the fuck that shit is even going to do to those coffee beans? It’s going to fuck them shits up like it was Columbus Day in New Amsterdam.

Then I’m going to take that shit and put it in a filter, a paper filter made by a company that had the audacity to name themselves “If You Care.” Mother fucker, I don’t care! That’s why I use paper coffee filters, bitch! I cut down trees in this mother fucker and I make myself a delicious drink. Fuck you, you band aid ass mother fuckers.

And then I’m going to heat up some water by doing absolutely nothing. I’m literally going to stand there and watch water heat up. Like I’m fucking Merlin up in here. Mother fuckers ain’t even going to be able to handle that shit. It’s just going to be like aodsifjapidshfpwerpoafie asdf fuck it’s hot in here! Damn! That’s what the water’s going to say.

Then I’m going to pour that shit right over the fucked up coffee. I mean that coffee is so fucked up, it can’t even remember it was a plant. It can’t even remember it was in a non-recyclable can processed by We Could Give a Shit, But We Don’t, Incorporated…PS Fair Trade.

And then after all that shit I’m just going to straight chef that coffee up. I’m going to add some fucked up pale gold sugar from some fucked up nation and some old cream that I have nothing even to say about it. And I’m going to stir that shit…I mean I am going to stir that shit beyond all fucking reason. There’s going to be no reason to stir, is what I’m trying to tell you. By the time I’m done stirring it may well be mother fucking Christmas.

And then I’m going to have made coffee, bitches.

I still don’t think you understand.

I really am. I’m going to make that shit, god damn it.

No for real, I’m about to get up. Seriously, ya’ll, just wait, this shit is happening.

Right…in a minute.

2 thoughts on “Columbus Day in New Amsterdam

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