What was the best gift I ever got made by hand? One time my sister gave me this box of stuff that would make me look like Martha Stewart, including a name tag that said Martha Stewart on it. At the time, I think it was 1998, I was making a lot of Martha Stewart jokes. I don’t remember any of them now.

I get a lot of gifts by hand because everyone I know is broke. I’m about to make everyone on my list a gift by hand. I’m about to start but I probably won’t…so I’m just avoiding everyone for Christmas this year. Like last year. Screw consumerism anyway. Maybe that’s what I’ll do. I’ll make them feel guilty for propping up an artificial capitalist regime by buying me gifts from Crate and Barrel. That’ll do it.

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