My wife and I are behind dueling computers at the kitchen table. She is supposed to be doing her schoolwork, which is reading things about the environment. So I thought I would do some writing exercises. It turned out to be a bad idea, since her idea of reading is having a conversation at the end of each paragraph.
Sometimes after I drink coffee and start writing, when people talk to me I feel like I’m going to rip a hole in my chest and stick my head in it. I feel very frantic, like they can’t get to the end of what they are saying fast enough. I try to think of proper responses to what she says, but I’m so angry.
She’ll say, “My mom is coming on Sunday. And they are going to take the train. Can you believe that?” (They usually drive.)
I’ll respond, “Ugh! So fucking stupid!” while gritting my teeth.
Today I am off again and she has to work at 3, so I guess I’ll just wait until then to do the writing exercises. Of course now that I’ve switched to the blog she is not talking.
Yesterday ended pretty good. When she got home we ordered pizza on Seamless, drank this moscato that we’ve been saving, and watched Love, Actually because it’s almost Christmas. Then she fell asleep and I read a couple hundred iPhone pages of Les Miserables. But then she woke up and was pissed that it was 2 AM and she said we should be going to be earlier and then she found five or ten different ways of saying it and each took longer than the last.
But then this morning she apologized of course and it was fine.
I’d like to not get so caught up in myself today, but I don’t know how I’ll avoid it. I am supposed to go to the gym since I have been paying for the membership for the last two months without going once. So I have to go today. And I have to go grocery shopping after I drop her off at work. And I have to work on that old man’s project.
i guess that all will help me avoid it because I won’t have time to think about myself too much. What I need to do is reign myself in and use that energy to accomplish physical shit. Remember what Vonnegut said: “I tell you, we’re here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anyone tell you any different.”