Your Argument Is So Fucked

Just a quick note, I don’t have time for a lot of what the fucking ever it is that I want to do right now, I want you to know that if you’re going to make an argument for some bullshit ass shit, then use your own damn bullshit facts, aright?

Last thing I want to hear is someone defending astrology by saying something like this: the moon affects the tides, your body is made up of water, therefore the stars affect your life.

Here’s why that’s a terrible fucking stupid thing to say:

Fucking no.

I don’t give a shit if you want to believe in astrology or if you want to believe that your destiny is determined by the size of your asshole. Believe what you want, you’ve got as much chance as anyone of being right in this fucked up universe.

Just don’t use some scientifically accepted shit to back up your theory.

The moon affects tides? Mother fucker, the moon causes the tides, if you believe the scientists.

Body is made up of water. Yeah, that’s what the scientists want you to believe. But why you trying to throw in with that lot when you believe some outright non-scientific shit like stars determine your personality and shit like that. First of all, you think stars got time for some dumb ass shit like that? Hell no.

But no, I ain’t trying to even dissuade you from licking star cunt, what I’m trying to do is let you know, stop using science like you believe in that shit. Motherfucker. Must be kidding me. Must be out your god damn mind. Must be a confused cognitive dissonance lookin’ three year old con artist.

Your body is made up of water? Sixty percent or so? Where the hell did you get that from? You have any experience of that? Does that make intuitive sense to you? No. You fuck, you heard that from some magazine article or Bill Nye the Science Guy. You know what else Bill says? He says astrology is a bunch of bullshit. You going to believe him now? You want to pick and choose now? You want to believe some of his bullshit and not other parts?

Mother fucker why do you believe the stars effect your life? Because it makes sense to you right? Why wouldn’t they? There’s so god damn many of them, for Christ sake, holy fucking fuck how can we have so many of some super massive object and it not affect out lives? Here’s one reason: because you are an insignificant nothing and you’re not even good at it.

Guess what? Mother fucker? How you know there’s so many of them? How you know the solar system is just a small part of the galaxy? You have direct experience of that shit? You laid on your back counting to a billion for a hundred and fifty million nights? Nah, mother fucker you extrapolated from an extrapolation you heard on NPR morning edition.

Guess what the moon does to the tides? Don’t know? Me neither. Why not? Because I ain’t a moon and I ain’t a tide, mother fucker. That’s why. Oh, you heard some shit about the moon causing high and low tide? What, you telling me that gravity crosses the void and pulls the water around? Where’d you come up with that crock of shit? Oh, you didn’t come up with that? Oh, hold on, it didn’t just make intuitive sense to you?

Oh, good, for a second there I thought I was the dumbass.

Oh, you heard that from some reefer head scientist?

Oh! What the fuck?

Guess what scientists say the moon does to the ocean? Moves it around, mother fucker. Guess what scientists don’t say the moon does to the water? Tell it to watch out for a chance for real connection this week.

Oh, you just added that part in for fun? Oh, wait, you don’t believe that the moon can tell the sea what to expect on a day to day basis? Oh, you’re extrapolating again, saying that if the moon affects the way the sea moves, surely a star can affect the way your life moves?

Mother fucker, what do stars (not counting the sun, since you probably don’t believe that’s a star…oh, you do? Why? Just came to you? Doesn’t it seem more plausible that it’s a huge burning god who hates you?)  what do the other, far away stars even do to the ocean? I don’t know, you tell me, you’re the one with the answers apparently. And don’t hand me some bullshit you saw on NOVA.

Look, the world is a fucked up place, and the best research points to it being operated by a wayward cephalopod with Republican sympathies who is just as lost and confused as any one of us. Come up with any kind of crazy shit you want to believe in and have a party. Serve little artisinal crackers and baby arugula quiches. Talk about and reaffirm your beliefs with others. But please come up with your own god damn facts. Stop borrowing shit from a bunch of loonies in lab coats who don’t even know what Venus rising inside of a crab’s vagina means.

Confused? Me fucking too. Some fuck had some stupid ass proof for her completely legitimate belief in the ability of the stars to predict shit and I am angry about that stupid ass proof. Fuck you, asshole!

Damn I wish I was a happy person.

17 thoughts on “Your Argument Is So Fucked

  1. haha. happiness is a hat you wear like a beanie and you take it out when it’s late at night to keep your bald head warm. and make you feel all right with the world. then you take it off in the morning when you’re planning to write a story about the time your mother forgot to pick you up in school and you stayed until everyone had gone home. the school guard tried to cheer you up but you couldn’t stop crying. that’s a motherfucking badass beanie.

  2. Well someone got out the wrong side of bed didn’t they?! You make some fine points, and I can tell you, as a logical human being who happens to be a scientist, that is pisses me right off when someone tries to pick a fight while brandishing the soggy cucumber of pseudoscience. Nay! I tell thee, I shall slice your cucumber into a thousand logical pieces and you can read your nonscientific fortune from the aftermath!!!

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