I don’t want to write about it but I regret not writing about it before, as a kind of breadcrumb trail. Say, my writing is muffled and coarse and cliche, like my thoughts. The other day I said that people were oysters, that they need a grain of sand to make a pearl. I said that out loud to people. Woo! Shit. A motherfucker finds it hard to live out here.
I find it easy to continue working, to hang out at work. I used to dread my double shifts, but now, I guess due to some meditation and my undying love for this coworker, that shit’s over before it began and I’m dreading my two days off. Can you believe that? Dreading my days off? No fuckin way.
That and I stopped even looking for a way out of this restaurant shit, unbeknownst to my wife. Fuck it. Just stop trying. Nice not to have to fight this shit every step of the way.
I had feelings about the people I used to work with, so long ago, so long that now I forget, and they were strong feelings. Makes me wonder if I’d better not write amemoir about this shit and my feelings now or else forget forever. But you know, say I do forget, what am I going to remember by reading something I wrote.
A girl got fired today. That doesn’t usually happen. And she got fired for her attitude. Her name is a city in the southwest.
Man what a crazy fucking life it really is. I don’t even know how I’m going to sleep tonight, and it used to be that the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. I mean tonight was not an easy night, and me and the girl weren’t even working near each other. At one point in the night I had to force myself to stop trying to help her because it was becoming embarrassing.
I skipped my break for a shot at the end of the night and I drank green chartreuse for the first time since Boston. Two ounces straight to the face after not eating for twelve hours put me in a good mood. Woo! Shit but that shit wore off quicker than I thought. And hell it almost gave me heartburn.
I realized I never gave up on feeling guilty for my sins. I tried not to feel guilty. My hair was so crazy and I didn’t shave. I started doing push-ups and sit-ups. I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m not as obsessed as I was and I don’t think anything bad will happen. Bad meaning sexual. I told her all about my wife and how she is the only reason I’m not covered in my own piss begging for money at Broadway Lafayette. Then I realized that for sure I would just devote myself to her the way I do to my wife and I would be consumed and nothing ultimately would change except for the fact that I wouldn’t be deserving of anyone’s love at that point.
Almost home, so ending this drivel with nothing at all.
Powerful piece with the ring of truth …
Glad you liked it!
In my own experience, work crushes (or just plain old crushes) are a sign that there’s a need not being fulfilled in your current relationship. But then again, what do I know…
Yes many needs unfulfilled but can one person ever fulfill all needs all the time?
I don’t think so. I think having one person as your everything is probably not the healthiest thing(also from personal experience). But I do feel that your partner should be the person who meets most of those needs/wants, especially with emotional and physical connection
I hear you. I feel like a monster that needs to consume emotional and physical connection and will never get enough. My wife gives me all she’s got but I want more more more. At the same time, I feel like a normal person. What do you think about a marriage as a practical means to an end? I mean life is hard if you play by the rules, and I need a partner. But how can your partner stay fresh and exciting when you fight the same battles together and you both look like shit afterwards?
Honestly, it sounds like she (or anyone else) will never be enough to satiate you because what you are looking for can only be satisfied within yourself. I know that sounds horribly cheesy, but it’s true. If you’re not at peace with yourself, you’re always going to be trying to fill the void up with someone or something, to no end.
Yeah I figured as much. I’ll keep meditating. Thanks for hanging out 🙂
My pleasure 💙
As someone who’s been married twice, I can say definitely that it’s a matter of finding the person AND not getting married young. When you’re young, it’s difficult to have perspective in a long term relationship. Fuck, I got married the second time when I was 33 and I can say that the way I saw marriage at that age was fairly infantile.
Well, this is encouraging. I find that everything I said in the past sounds infantile, but you know, I recently read something that said, “If you’re not embarrassed about what you thought last year, you’re not growing enough.” So at least I’m growing I suppose.