Click here to start at Part 1.
Why couldn’t I leave my wife and do whatever I wanted? I wasn’t strong enough, that’s why. I had never really broken up with anyone, and I had also never really had a confrontation with anyone, thanks to my uncanny diplomatic abilities.
And so that meant I had to make it seem like I was a good husband. I had to do everything I could to make her happy, and besides that I had to avoid having a fight with her. I couldn’t stand to fight with her, and besides, I had nothing to say to her in a fight. I had no will of my own. Why should I have an opinion when nothing can be proven or disproven.
So we had no fights, except the ones over my drinking, which was out of control. I would drink and not text her because I didn’t want to have to fight about it and I knew if I texted her I was drinking she would say something snarky and then if I got drunk enough I would drunk text her a long nicely worded ‘fuck you.’
But those were our only fights and we didn’t delve too deep into why I was drinking like that.
So with no fights our relationship didn’t really grow much from when we had started. I was a different person than the guy who started dating her years earlier, but I acted the same towards her, only now I drank.
Since I was too weak to break up with her, I had to maintain some kind of normalcy, even though I had these self destructive urges. I had to keep them in check. So I resented her for that, but even then I knew she was kind of keeping me alive.
Now, looking back, it’s crazy how my whole life seems to have revolved around women. I guess that’s not very original, but I didn’t see it coming.
Anyway, I guess that’s what I’ve got to say about that. I am ready to have real fights and really get to know her now, and hopefully one day I will be strong enough to tell her everything that I ever hid from her. As for now, I’ll just do my best not to create new things to hide from her.
The girl with whom I was formerly obsessed and I still hang out and talk. It’s possible I made up her reciprocation of my feelings for her, but even if I didn’t I haven’t given her a reason to feel heartbroken if I never make a move or tell her how I feel about her. She is smart enough not to trust married men, I’m sure.
Anyone's Ghost 
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Perhaps it’s less about getting to know her and more about getting to know yourself?
It’s always that, isn’t it? But I hope there are things she’s hiding from me that will come out in fights, and then I won’t feel so bad.
I don’t think you mean that. No-one really hopes people are deceiving them.
Maybe but from where I’m at it really feels like it would be a relief.
I would skip confessing past missteps and just start from here with your wife. If you dig up all the things you hid back when, or yesterday even, it just keeps you back there in the mess you’d like to move forward and out of. It also becomes the stuff your wife will bash you with in future fights too, believe me. Stop hanging out with that chick you obsess about. Try something new for an ‘escape’ that’s healthy and positive for you and doesn’t leave you feeling guilty later. Even if it seems stupid like painting your toe nails with green polka dots and later stuffing the ‘art’ in your socks and shoes. Your little secret but nothing to feel guilty about. You can even laugh about it. But remember, I just serve coffee and cakes, I’m not a qualified therapist!
Haha thanks for the advice and the polka dot idea! Yeah I will not confess the past for a while, if ever, but I would like to live in a world where no one could surprise my wife with a fact about me. Hopefully if she uses those things for ammunition I will be strong enough to handle it, and also I hope she will use it not too much more than I deserve. I deserve a fair amount of bashing, I’m sure. Also, I’d like to be able to face my past and integrate it into my self so that I’m not running from anything. All this is easier said than done.
What an earnest report of what I (possible naively) believe to be from your actual life and not just a fantasy. It sounds like you are ready for some changes, time to let people and things close to you challenge who you are….it much harder than letting an acquaintance in to rummage through your cerebral miasma, but I have no idea why.
Yeah it’s real life! I’m ready for it, but I’m scared. It’s much easier to be honest here than in real life.
I really appreciate this kind of writing. It touches a nerve, and I hope you keep going.
Thanks man