Someone! 

Ran for the train. Caught the train.

Last night I went out drinking and drunk texted everyone, even the girl from Boston. Anyone will do when I get drunk. I feel so lonely at home. I never want to leave the bar. But I left around 2:30 and was all responsible and took a car and shit and got home safe and when I got there I was pissed and lonely.

Then I woke up this morning feeling so embarrassed about the dumbass texts I had sent.

Then I worked twelve hours and now I’m on the fuckin train home and it’s way before midnight. 

People are making out like fuckin emus over here. All necks and awkwardness. 

At the very least, the Marijuana could not be blamed

The Manhattan Bridge and a discolored sky
The Manhattan Bridge and a discolored sky

This bridge goes to Manhattan

Yesterday I walked to work. I crossed the East River on the Manhattan Bridge. There was some funny graffiti, like a bear riding a bicycle and stuff like that. I like this picture because it feels like we’re imprisoned, kept away from the sun by our own creations.

I am so very sleepy, and so I have nothing else to say. Can someone please send me some time? I need so much more of it. I have all these great ideas.

Last night I smoked too much weed (which is easy for me to do) and ended up just standing at a rock concert knowing that the performers were doing a good job, but unable to feel any joy about that.

I thought for a second there that weed would be a better drug than alcohol. There are reasons to switch, but it’s going to take some commitment, apparently. It’s not just going to jump up and be fun all on it’s own.

So I will have to put that on the todo list like everything else and it will have to wait. Years, maybe. Ok, my eyes are closing and I cannot stop them.

Guilt Free-ish Hangover (Phase 1)

Given the state of my eyelids right now I better write a post and get it out of the way. Probably be asleep if I tried to write when I get home from work. 

Two hours sleep last night. Drunk texted my friend for an hour. Got home at five and acted like a normal person. 

Did NOT black out! 

What control! What self mastery!

Going to work, I hit the streets listening to The Hollies’ only famous song. Blasting in my tinny iPhone headphones with the jack that goes into the charger thing.

Was an out of body experience as the sunlight hit just right and I still had a nice amount of liquor in the blood. 

Now comes the crash. 

Jesus in Lebanon

Damn I am tired and I have some bad gas going on. This shit is annoying as hell. People are like, aren’t you hungry? I’m like, no! I ain’t hungry, my stomach feels distended and shit. Got some weird acid reflux, too. And god damn cats walking around the apartment crying and shit. Fucking driving me insane. Fed this motherfucker like three times in the last hour.

Jesus Christ.

Decided not to get drunk any more. That sucks. Going to be like Neitzche out here and drink milk and shit. Not even going to get drunk. Damn, what will the world be like. So far I managed not to get drunk for two days straight, but one on of them I was violently hung over.

Blogging is discouraging for me. Pretty much everything is I guess. Or at least disappointing.

Time Marches On / There’s More to Life Than Not Dying

Thank God for the marching on of time. And I’m going to thank God here because you know what I don’t give a damn. Fuck it. I can thank whoever I want.

But let’s try to stay on topic, if you don’t mind.

Yeah man, I’m feeling way better today! Even though a few minutes ago I thought I was going to explode with frustration over this stupid computer error. And even though I’m not feeling like a million bucks. I feel better than yesterday, and what did I really do?

Nothing.

Time heals all wounds. Soon enough we’ll all be dead.

And that’s another thing. I like the quote about “death is not the province of the living” or something like that, but I started thinking a lot about this other thing where I say “there’s more to life than not dying.”

I’m pretty cautious I guess, always expecting some shit to go down. I guess I can keep expecting shit without getting all worried about it. I think that’s what happens when I get scared because I’m in that flow state and time is flying by. I’m scared that I’ll be dead soon, but you know what, fuck it there’s more to life than not dying.

Yep my wife and I are getting along famously. We’re about to go out for drinks right now. Then we’re going to come home and eat risotto. I even bought some beer for later, fuck it! And yesterday I was thinking, damn I shouldn’t drink so much. Mostly because I was feeling super guilty but also because I was embarrassed about how I was fawning over the singers at the concert. They were in the crowd and I was hunting them down being like, Damn! You are the greatest! All crazy like. Clearly drunk, I’m sure.

So I was embarrassed about that as I usually am when I black out. I guess I didn’t use to get embarrassed when I blacked out, back in 2010, but in that year I was blacking out every other night. So I’m drinking less now and sleeping less now and I guess that adds up to I have more time to judge my past actions and feel embarrassment about them. But you know, them singers probably didn’t give a fuck I was wasted, shit that’s what we’re there for. And I didn’t follow them home or anything, like I did that one time with that girl. Now that’s fucking embarrassing. And actually more than embarrassing. But that’s another story.

And so what if they did think I was an asshole? Is that ruining their lives right now? No! Fuck, and even if something I did did ruin their lives, is that really my fault? Aren’t we responsible for our own happiness?

Shit, maybe not! Maybe there are forces outside of our control directing our lives. Like the stars! Or reptiles. Anything to take the responsibility away. Make it stop! It burns!

It burns.

A reminder from the other side

You say that people want to be lied to because you want to lie. I don’t know how but you’re being selfish. You’re not telling the truth when you think you are. Your points break down between shots. Tighten up your theories Doc, this shit ain’t little league.

I lie to everyone because it’s the only way for me to feel superior and I need to feel superior because I believe that I am worthless. 

Alone and Drunk, Only…Outside

It doesn’t warrant explanation, the way I ended up slightly drunk at or around 9:45 PM on the night of tonight at the restaurant. I was supposed to go out after work with a coworker, and I never do that. It was a special occasion. She is leaving.

So I planned and planned it for a week, but today it rained and she ate too much candy and could not go out.

I find myself in Bowery Station, holding my knees, having just so narrowly so narrowly avoided… that thing that happens when you are slightly drunk in a permissive place, a warm place. But I would tell you about that. Only not tonight. There is only so much time before I need to walk through the projects and get myself home. 

Perhaps you should know something about it, it is too deep a rabbit hole.

For reasons you shouldn’t care about I was both happy and sad, holding my knees, telling a man in a tunic that the train would come.

I got on the train and I see an advertisement for NYC Well, which advertisement asserts that I can call 24/7, toll free to talk about stress, depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse. I think about it. I’ve never thought about it before.

I opened WordPress but on my phone, my phone was still in email. And the first email tells me that my free ride from Lyft is about to expire. How perfect. Nothing a drunk lower middle class man likes better. 

Than a free taxi home after a night. 

Fuck This New Theme Bullshit Two Point Motherfucking Five

Sometimes I look at old posts and I think, “Shit.”

Sometimes I think, “Shit, I can make it through anything. Only yesterday I was that piece of shit loser who wrote that. Now look at me. Straight chilling and drinking whiskey and ginger ale.”

It’s almost the end of the day now. I haven’t accomplished much in the professional sense, but I have dealt with some lingering family issues. Called my dad. Emailed my grandfather.

Guess what, fuck this new theme bullshit. Can’t stand this Arial font or what the fuck ever this is.

Another Strange Day Off

Well shit here we are again drinking the blood of the earth and wondering whether or not the entire fourth division of the Santa Barbara Mockingbird Saints will come calling. Perhaps only half of them and that will be bad enough.

I’ve had too much to drink. I went out and tried to be something like a barfly. I tried to do the things that others do, to do things that would be fun, to leave the comfort of my own home and well, it was both good and bad.

GF was supposed to meet me at the bar, but instead she got out of school late so immediately we had to go to the grocery store and you know how that does wonders for my mood. Especially after three beers and a Hemingway daiquiri. And before that two cappuccinos. Looks like another red letter night for dreams.

We’re sitting at the table, she’s reading, and I’m thinking about nothing because my brain is racing like a pro.

Well I just don’t get inspired by alcohol like some people do. And now GF is moving to the couch, so I will have to follow suit, and she will fall asleep soon and I am working back to back doubles starting tomorrow so if I know what’s best for me I’ll go to sleep, just like she will in a matter of minutes, because she can’t be comfortable and read and drink tea without falling asleep.

I thought I had it all figured out, a number of times today, and then I don’t know, I got home and called Citibank.