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Morgan Arrives

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My little brother, Morgan, came to live here the other day. He almost went to prison but instead they just charged him a hundred bucks. I thought it was some kind of marijuana charge but it seems like it was something to do with driving without a registration or something like that. I got him a job at the restaurant. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing but most of the people there don’t so why not.

He got here yesterday and I brought him home to drop off his stuff and then I brought him to work. I dropped him off. The bar manager was like, don’t you want to stay a while? Don’t you want to come back and hang out after his shift? I said no and then looked away. She kind of laughed. That was easy.

He’s a quiet kind of guy. I don’t really know him too well. 

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Library

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I went up the stairs in the library and the security guard walked up. She said, “Hello?” As if it was obvious that there was nothing for me up there. I went down in the basement and there was a bathroom. She said, “Only the first floor is the library.”

I said, “Well it’s written on the whole building: library. I didn’t realize.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“Thank you,” said I.

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Habits

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Can’t I just make up my mind to feel the way I do when I tell the truth without actually telling the truth? 

Hell doesn’t seem like a bad place. Can’t I stay a little longer?

I texted a million people this morning. I still feel lonely.

If I work hard and focus, I can get my life on track. I don’t need to actually tell the truth, do I? 

I don’t need to face myself, right? 

It’s her fault, isn’t it? It’s not my fault.

It’s not my fault, right?

Where’s the bottom of this fucking quicksand anyway. 

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Relaxed

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My wife said yesterday that I looked good. She said I looked relaxed. And I guess I did look relaxed. One time, this guy said I looked I was being consumed from within.

I feel many positive emotions just from the little bit of honesty I’ve been able to achieve so far. I feel more powerful and effective. I do feel more relaxed. My head feels more spacious. 

But I’m still really scared of confrontation and the things that I’ve decided to do. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually go through with the scariest confessions. But I’m sure the stronger, future me will be able to handle it. Right now, I still get sick thinking about how I’m going to break it to my bar manager that I don’t want to go hiking with her ever. That’s a weird situation that’s been on my mind as a kind of test for myself. It’s my wife who really doesn’t want to go, but I’m tired of blaming shit on her. And if I think about it the only reason I would go hiking with the bar manager is because she keeps asking me. So you see when you think about it I don’t even know what it means not to want to do something. I’m so used to doing whatever I have to do to avoid disagreeing with someone. In the past I would just make something up, like a heart condition.

So yeah anyways for the most part I feel pretty relaxed. 

Love and Relationships, True Stories , , , 11 Comments

Dark Part 3

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Click here to start at Part 1. 

Why couldn’t I leave my wife and do whatever I wanted? I wasn’t strong enough, that’s why. I had never really broken up with anyone, and I had also never really had a confrontation with anyone, thanks to my uncanny diplomatic abilities.

And so that meant I had to make it seem like I was a good husband. I had to do everything I could to make her happy, and besides that I had to avoid having a fight with her. I couldn’t stand to fight with her, and besides, I had nothing to say to her in a fight. I had no will of my own. Why should I have an opinion when nothing can be proven or disproven.

So we had no fights, except the ones over my drinking, which was out of control. I would drink and not text her because I didn’t want to have to fight about it and I knew if I texted her I was drinking she would say something snarky and then if I got drunk enough I would drunk text her a long nicely worded ‘fuck you.’

But those were our only fights and we didn’t delve too deep into why I was drinking like that.

So with no fights our relationship didn’t really grow much from when we had started. I was a different person than the guy who started dating her years earlier, but I acted the same towards her, only now I drank.

Since I was too weak to break up with her, I had to maintain some kind of normalcy, even though I had these self destructive urges. I had to keep them in check. So I resented her for that, but even then I knew she was kind of keeping me alive.

Now, looking back, it’s crazy how my whole life seems to have revolved around women. I guess that’s not very original, but I didn’t see it coming.

Anyway, I guess that’s what I’ve got to say about that. I am ready to have real fights and really get to know her now, and hopefully one day I will be strong enough to tell her everything that I ever hid from her. As for now, I’ll just do my best not to create new things to hide from her. 

The girl with whom I was formerly obsessed and I still hang out and talk. It’s possible I made up her reciprocation of my feelings for her, but even if I didn’t I haven’t given her a reason to feel heartbroken if I never make a move or tell her how I feel about her. She is smart enough not to trust married men, I’m sure.

Other Minds, Subway, Thoughts , , 3 Comments

Interlude

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When two guys are walking together and one guy is listening to his headphones near them, those two guys are friends and the other guy is an enemy. When two guys are alone and listening to their headphones and walking down the street near each other, they aren’t enemies or friends. When two guys are alone and listening to their headphones and they attempt to use their metrocards to gain access to the subway and they are both rejected by the same turnstile, they are friends.