Dude. Shits crazy.
I’m in love with everyone. Just want to go out all the time. Hang out. Can’t stand being home the only one awake late at night. Need somebody I can text all kinds of crazy shit. Need a day job. I ran all day, did all kinds of shit, had fifteen moments of transcendence. Get home and it’s not enough. Staring at splotches of color on my lovers face under the harsh subway lights.
What to do. Get a different job. Keep this job. Drink all night. Sleep all night. Calm down, you’ll be asleep soon enough what’s the big deal? I don’t know but it is a big deal. Never want anything to end. Except this interminable loneliness at the end of the night.
Wife is asleep. Wife wake up. Let’s be together now. Don’t wake me up, she says. Don’t make me not asleep, she says. If you stare at me too hard she says it wakes me up.
Maybe jerk off. Maybe I should try some pills. Maybe I shoulda smoked some weed. But no, tried that before. Came home the oven light wasn’t even on. Brother’s down the street. What’s good? Could try it out. He’s only 66% as old as I am, what does he know? Maybe if he was a girl I wasn’t related to. Need to work harder apparently. Work too hard to sleep.
Probably figure I’m looking at porn right now. With the bathroom fan on. The only room I can be alone in. I suppose I could write at the table, who would know? I suppose I could try that after all.
But then again I need my rest. I must go to bed. I must go to sleep. It’s only a few minutes of restlessness. Just push on through to the other side.
Ah sheeit tonight had a good night, and now about to go to bed and in six hours or so I will get up and go my ass to Cape Cod. GF and I are going there for just a couple days to chill and celebrate her graduating from culinary school. If the weather is nice, I’ve got a ring and I’m going to propose. Pretty nervous about doing that. I feel like I should do some hot air balloon count of Monte Cristo type shit but I’m just not really that kind of guy and despite all girls being into the big romantic gesture even though they say they’re not, well I guess maybe she’s really not, or anyway I just don’t want it to get cheesy, especially since we’ve been together for seven years. Anyway she really liked Jim and Pam from the office and how he proposed at the gas station in the rain, so maybe something weird will happen like that.
But anyway I didn’t start on here to talk about that. Truthfully I got on here to post something so that I would get a reasonable amount of views today and finish out the stat week strong. If I can get at least eight views today I can finish with an average of ten views this week, and that will make me feel more like a real success in life, or some bullshit, I really don’t understand how I put so much stock into getting ten views when a real blog gets a million or whatever, and when really what is a view, and why is that shit like an endorphin creator. But there you have it, I just wanted to post something so people will look at so I will have a ten view per day average for the week.
I have always liked numbers in a weird way, like stats and how many times I’ve played a song in my iTunes database. I don’t know.
Anyway at the bar tonight it was pretty fucking crazy, but me and my partner handled that shit and made some good money. The worst thing is that I made more this week than I ever have in a week, but I made less last week than I have in a long time, so my two week paycheck will look about even and not reflect that I had a kick ass week.
Oh well, fuck it. I need to watch The Cosmos again, or just plain Cosmos, whatever that Carl Sagan shit is. That’s some real shit. But anyway have a nice couple of days without me.
Last night there were just two of us on the bar and there were a thousand thirsty bastards. When it was all over we went out for a drink and a burger. I have rarely had a better time with someone that I thought I wouldn’t have a good time with. Some people really love cocktails, and not just drinking them, like me.
Then I came home and ate and wrote some dumb shit and took a shower and went to bed and had crazy ass dreams. A lot of them. I kept waking up and going back to sleep. Now it’s about one o’clock and I’m eating a bunch of rice and Filipino style “beef steak,” so says the label. GF’s mom made it.
I dreamed the my parents came to the house, they don’t know we’re living together, just out of the blue, as a surprise. And in the dream I thought to myself, ok, shit this is a total dream. It has to be. And it was just my dad and my sister out there. And then I realized it wasn’t a dream at all. And I knew all was fucked. And it took forever for me to finally wake up and realize it was a dream. And then I was like damn I knew it! Phew!
And then we were playing some kind of game where the prizes were magnums of champagne, and it was a drinking game on a huge bus that was driving somewhere, I don’t know where. And I was handing the prizes out but also playing, and then this slick mother fucker got on and started asking if people were making all the profit they wanted to. And he told me just get him something to drink.
Then I was dreaming that I had to take GF’s sister to my grandmother’s because she was living on her on nearby to them but she didn’t know how to take care of herself or eat, and then we spent the night there but I was worried I had left something on at home.
Anyway none of the dreams were very good. That is all.
Ah shit. Bad sleep last night. GF had to be up early to go to work. Like six AM. I woke up and saw ZzzQuil on the dresser next to the bed. Hope I didn’t keep her up with mad ravings and coughs and snorting sounds. I am a little sick.
Yesterday before work I had an iced coffee with a shot in it. That was a good idea, even though it seemed like a bad idea when I did it. Sometimes it hits me right and sometimes wrong. It was wrong the last three times before yesterday.
We had some interesting people last night. All different tabs and this lady was scared to leave her credit card with us.
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
“Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it
Where there are cows? But here there are no cows…”
Yeah I been trying to memorize this poem for almost six months now. It’s pretty crazy because I don’t really know any other poems by heart. I guess in the old days people didn’t have much else to do but memorize poems. And anyway I guess I do know a lot of song lyrics.
I just saw a bird out the window that I’ve never seen before. Just a little one but it was all black and white. It’s gray outside again. It was bright when I woke up.
It’s two in the morning and it has been a helluva day. GF is not here. She is still in NYC where I came from this morning. She’ll be there until Friday or so, meaning that somehow I’ve got to have enough self discipline to go to bed and then wake up. Changing states is a bitch. I never want to go to sleep and I never want to wake up.
I got back a little while ago, around 1:50 I guess, and threw on some ramen. There wasn’t much of anything in the house, being that we were away. I made it according to the directions and poured it into a bowl and the broth got all over everything. Fuck it. I put that shit back in the pot and boiled all the broth away. Now I’m letting it sit there until it gets cold. And then I’ll eat it. That’s how I do ramen.
I really just want to stay up and write and read and shit, but I guess I’d better go to sleep now since I have to be back at work at ten. This morning I caught a bus out of NYC around 8. I had to get up at 6:30 to leave Greenpoint in the rain. Then the bus was late and I had to take another bus to get home and put my uniform on before turning around and leaving the same way. Once I got to work, Coworker had nothing set up and we struggled through a super intense day and the waves of crusties never stopped. Until around 11.
Big money, but I’m going to pay for it tomorrow.