Three Trains

I was busy this morning writing and revising what I wrote. Writers have notebooks. I don’t have time to make sense of that. I’m on the subway to work. I barely was able to feed the cats and all of that. I was writing and writing. It snowed and I watched, like I was living in Boston again. I set up the kitchen stool next to the bed so I could use it like a desk.

I came down the stairs to the subway and the train was just leaving. Just missed it. Another one came quickly. I’m taking three trains today instead of one because it snowed, better to stay underground.

Switching trains now. Kids everywhere, school just let out I guess. Scarlet Johansson is in a new movie about women wearing tight clothes. I started using product in my hair and it itches. I don’t wash it.

I had a thought halfway through he tunnel to the next train, but I forgot it.

Today meditation told me to be balanced. That’s ok. Don’t let your mind run away unless you mean for it to do. What now?

No money because it snowed, and the old me would say no bridge and tunnel weirdos, too, but now I say…those people are okay. Who doesn’t like fettuccini alfredo anyways.

Can’t believe I lost that thought in the tunnel. It would have made this post. Something about switching. Got distracted by a kid’s backpack. The monopoly man was fleeing the bank in a jail outfit.

Hair itches. Big hat because it snowed. Nothing like that. Switching doors each stop so I can lean and type. Nothing like that.

I started typing out journals again. Journal entries. Just typing and typing sometimes. I had switched to hand writing. Now I switched back. Maybe the problem is switching. Too much switching in one life. I’ll never fill up a whole notebook with handwriting by the end of the year at the pace I’m going. I’d better switch to something faster. Some faster state of mind wherein I still hamdwrite shit for some reason.

Hit the square. Be kind. Don’t think. Don’t tune out tho.

Up the stairs stay close to the crowd but then a dude flies down right in front of you trying to catch the train you just left.

Been cold at home with the heat off, put on the big hat and go out in the snow, you’re warm for the first time all day.

Train pulls up you’re at the top of the stairs and you find yourself in the exact situation as that dude who almost ran you over earlier. Crowd is coming toward you, climbing the stairs, you got to fly down and let the chips fall where they may. Probably would have been clear if not for them people suddenly pausing in the aisle.

Almost to work and how did it happen.

Last night I ate too much chicken and I was sweating the whole shift. Tonight I’m wearing wool socks.

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I Just Wanna Say This

Well, spring is the mischief in me and in the world so it seems. That is all.

There are so many colors outside now. And the whole week is supposed to be nice, nice, very nice. Yesterday was cold and wet and I took the bus to work instead of riding the bike. Big mistake there. The bus was late getting here and then I ended up taking a cab back from work because the next bus was in 96 minutes. 96 minutes. How does that even work?

That reminds me of a newish thing I hate. It’s funny that I hate it because people say it when they hate or don’t understand something. I hate when people say, “Really? REALLY?” Everyone is at it now. It makes me want to say, “Really?” to them for saying “really.”

The bus situation would have been a perfect occasion for me to say “Really?” And that’s why I thought of the fact that I hate when people say that. Recently Leo from Zen Habits wrote a post about anger stemming from selfishness. Like if you get mad at someone for doing something then you’re just imposing your expectations on a world that obviously doesn’t conform to your expectations even half of the time. In light of that of course I’m just being childish when I expect the bus to come more than once every god damn hour and a half.

Yesterday when I got to work I was like, “Shit man I left my house at 9:30 and just got here at 10:30.” And this new dude at work says, “Well I left my house at 8:30.” Well I’m like shit why do you live so god damn far away? Because this mother fucker drives to work. I’m like damn man you practically decimated the ozone on your way into work every morning. Haha but of course we’re all at work on that one, or maybe it’s a conspiracy. But anyway, I guess you could counter by saying well shit the economy is such a bitch that people have to drive two hours to get a restaurant job! To which I’d say bullshit. The economy is depressed as Eeyore out this mother fucker that’s true, but restaurant jobs are everywhere. But maybe I’m lying to everyone. It did take me a while to find this one. And the general manager drives down from New Hampshire every day. I really don’t think it’s necessary but I could be wrong. Anyway if I had to drive two hours to get to the nearest job, you know what I’d do? I’d fucking move! AKA if I didn’t have any money I’d sleep in the employee bathroom. Fuck driving two hours to work every day.

Yeah but anyway. What the hell was I talking about in this bee-itch. Oh well it’s pretty obvious to certain readers that I have had a lot of coffee today. I try to get down on coffee, like I try not to drink it. I don’t know why, I hear bad things about it and I have a fear of addiction. And GF is definitely addicted. Not crazy addicted but she needs to have it every morning. So just a normal American. But to me that’s scary. I am not reinforced by that. I read a blog post somewhere about how coffee works, some blog about keeping your health or something…shit how did I even find that blog? But anyway it just blocks the chemical that triggers your body to go to sleep from getting into your brain somewhere, so in essence it doesn’t do anything for you, or that’s what the post was trying to posit. And I agree with that from a purely materialistic standpoint. And I usually try to think of things in purely materialistic terms. I have been thinking of cutting that shit out…materialistic thinking that is…but I’ll talk about that later maybe.

But anyway, when I drink too much coffee I feel really great for a little while. Maybe I do crash later and that’s why I am afraid to drink to much of it. But you know what I do when I don’t drink coffee? I crash the whole day. Ok no I don’t crash all day. I just stay at the same level all day. Maybe I’m bi-polar.

Here I found that blog post about caffeine.

Hey while we’re talking about other people’s blogs, here’s a reference:

Q: What do you say to somebody you just murdered for talking to much?

A: Well you’re DEAD now. So SHUT UP.

Oh good Christ that is some funny shit right there.

Hoo damn well it’s nice as a bitch outside and I am sitting in here like a mad man. I was rereading Kurt Vonnegut’s Man Without a Country. It gave me so much joy to read it. I feel everything that he says. The world is so fucked so let’s all laugh and dance, he says, and you can really get behind it because he is a very kind person and he never says fuck or shit and he’s smart and old and wise, even though he’s DEAD now.

Ah but it made me think maybe I should just stop reading new books and just reread the ones I’ve already read that were really good. I think that would be a satisfactory way of avoiding the feeling that I’m missing out on everything.

I’m listening to Charlie Parker now because I read most of Blues People about three times but I still haven’t gotten all the way to the very end. I’m like ten pages away and I put it down to read something exciting I saw at the library. And I’ve got this damn book from the library that will probably make it impossible for me to take new books out since I’ve had it for like three weeks past the due date. I always do that. I don’t see any reason for making a special trip to the library and I haven’t been by there so the book just won’t get returned I guess. But there’s a part of the book where he quotes from an earlier book of his, Cat’s Cradle and he says something like “There was a lot of suffering and misery so I made up lies so that everything would seem to have meaning and everyone could live in peace and happiness.” Something like that. And of course that’s the fake guru Bokonon saying that about Bokononism, which I’ve talked about before.And anyway it’s making me rethink materialism. If I could just convince myself of the lies maybe I could also feel fulfilled.

Well I could go on about whatever now. But I guess I’ll keep this to a somewhat readable length.