I am doing something wrong, if not everything. I have been feeling happy, but now I get a free moment and somehow I messed it up. I went to the gym after work and ran and tried to think of what I would write and then I tried to just focus on the moment and then I left the gym and got on the subway and wrote in my little notebook. I got home and took a shower and ate a bowl of cereal and then I put the laptop on the table and tried to write something and I have been standing here for almost two hours now. This is what I’ve written. How can I know when I will be in the zone at writing? How come I can’t write every day? God damn it. And what’s worse, is that I’m trapped. I have to write. I tried to look at jobs the other day that I could do and I just thought, fuck I’d rather be a waiter the rest of my life then have to get one of these jobs, not that anyone would give me any of these jobs. And writing is the only thing I want to do. But then I get home and I can write, but nothing comes to mind to write so I just write that nothing is coming to mind and I do that for a long time and still end up nowhere. I can’t have all these days off if I’m just going to screw them up anyway. I’ve been standing here wanting a beer for almost two hours, too, but I know once I have the beer that’s it, no writing. But I guess that would have been the result either way. Damn this shit is tough.
I had the day off and I didn’t want to fuck it up so I did a bunch of shit during the day. Now I’m all done. It’s cold as a bitch out there and I am inside with fingerless gloves on. Hell yeah I’ve been wanting these bitches for a while. Looking like some Oliver Twist type mother fucker out here. But this time for real, because I didn’t just cut the top off of some stretchy ones.
I’m not actually in the mood to just think more and more about myself right now, so that’s weird. I’ve been reading Inherent Vice by Thomas Pynchon because my new reading coordinator decided that’s what I’m going to be reading now. It is good. A lot of characters. So I am reading it slowly. I am halfway through now so this is about the point where I just dropped everything and read till the end when I was reading Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of the World. Still don’t understand that title. But yeah I kind of want to just read the rest of the day away. I’ve got about two straight hours to chill now. But I am back on the writing a book thing. So I guess I’ll try to think of a book now.
Looks like WordPress has been having some issues with their ping backs on the daily prompt so I guess I’m not special enough to actually get banned from being posted on there. That’s upsetting to me, but guess what, when they fix that shit I’m going to post on there again! Ha! Sorry, pickledsparklymooseprincess!
It’s all shitty and raining outside and cold as a bitch but I’ve got the day off. And I ain’t even going to do shit. This old mother fucker can call me if he wants. He owes me like five hundred dollars at this point and I ain’t even done shit on that project for a few weeks.
I’d better be careful today. Sometimes I have days off and I set the expectations so low that by the end of the day I’m like shit man I didn’t do anything today but I also didn’t enjoy it. I have a bad relationship with days off. Almost makes me wish I had an Xbox. At least by the end of the day I would have built myself a new battleship or something. I need instant gratification or else it’s all a waste. I guess I could try to get a thousand more iPhone pages into Les Miserables. Then again I been reading on days I work, because I can, whereas I have not been writing because I don’t have time for that shit. So I should just write the whole time, but I always say that and then at the end of the day I do not feel good. And then the next day I probably bust out a thousand words in five minutes that were better than the whole day of writing before. But of course it could be that I had to write all that dumb shit to find those five minutes of gold. That’s only a rationalization; I don’t really believe it.
And I can already feel the sleep coming on. Maybe I just have to get dressed in shitty clothes and get my ass out there in the rain and get uncomfortable. Maybe that’s the secret.
Last night I stayed up until 3 drinking and listening to Nat King Cole’s Joy to the World. I woke up at 5:30 to the sound of a big mirror crashing to the floor. My heart rate tripled and all the sudden I got some extreme heart burn. I downed two Pepto-Bismol tablets and a glass of milk but I thought I was going to have a god damned heart attack. I don’t know what the fuck that was about.
So here we are at one in the afternoon. How will this day play out? How will I end up feeling? What will I wish I had done by the time 9 o’clock gets here?
Just got out of bed it’s about ten AM over here on the East Coast and I straight took off work today out of nowhere. It was probably imprudent of me to tell GF this since all she wants is a day off, having just graduated culinary school, but instead she has been scheduled for every day this week at her job that she worked part time while in school. I just realized this as I woke up from a luxurious sleep. She was good not to say anything about it this morning, she left nicely aside from the usual turning on and off of the lights, and that wasn’t so bad because she used the little light. So that was nice of her. But anyway the point is that I have the whole day off. And the more startling thing is that I have tomorrow off, too, except that I have to go in and “deep clean” at 2:00, which was abruptly decided yesterday around 2 PM.
Ah shit I’ll never have the blog of my dreams, the mad views, if I just write like this all the time, just write whatever comes into my head and call that the end of the day. Last night I dreamt that I had a surge of viewers all the sudden, and they were all swelling on this one post and then they were moving onto other posts and it just came out of nowhere after I wrote about an old person in my family dying of Alzheimer’s. And somehow the stat tracking was so crazy I just threw it over trees and draped it around and stuff. I don’t know, that was crazy. Then I dreamed that my chess playing cousin (who doesn’t play chess and no one in the family does but in the dream we all did) was hit by a car and died. He was arguing with his siblings about the way he should drive when he pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car and was immediately run over. Bad way to watch someone go, right after an argument. Cars are deadly. Kurt Vonnegut in Man Without a Country says:
Our government is conducting a war against drugs, is it? Let them go after petroleum. Talk about a destructive high! You put some of this stuff in your car and you can go a hundred miles an hour, run over the neighbor’s dog, and tear the atmosphere to smithereens.
The Dead Weather in Cut Like a Buffalo says:
You can hit me if you have to
Whatever makes you happy
You should try to take it easy on me
Cuz I don’t know how to take it
Hoo shit my computer froze up right there thought I was going to lose what I wrote so far. That wouldn’t be such a tragedy I guess it only took me about ten minutes to write all that.
I’m trying to think of what I should do today. I think I should do something like an adult. I should go to the motherfucking bank like an adult! I can’t be funny today so I’m just using other people. Maybe I’ll get some coffee and try again. The coffee at work just tastes like shit and gives me a bad feeling. It’s weird because I don’t really believe that’s true, because I know it’s all just coffee, but every time I drink it I don’t feel good.