Anyone’s Ghost Two Point Motherfucking Oh, Bitches

Yo it’s blog update time in this bitch. Things are wildin’ out of control around here. I got 171 unique visitors to the blog this month, which beats my best month ever (February 2013), which only had 74! God damn! That’s some crazy shit! And it’s all because of the Daily Post I suspect. That and my shout out to Richard Feynman. Apparently a lot of people are looking for that motherfucker.

I’m about to change the theme of the blog, not thematically, but the WordPress theme I mean. I don’t get as many likes as I want and it’s either because a lot of people don’t like this shit (which is a-ok) or it’s because you have to open the post in it’s own page to even like or comment. So I’m going to try to get rid of that shit. It’s not ideal because I really like the way this theme looks, but I am writing a lot so things just keep getting pushed down and no one can read my old posts any more and there are some good ones. Ah most of them are a bunch of bullshit. So I thought about just making a new page with links to the three good ones but then I stopped thinking about that.

I might do that later.

I’m just curious how the theme change will affect the number of likes I get, etc. I don’t get a lot of follows from those Daily Post readers. Anybody who would take time to click on random blogs in Daily Post I guess they aren’t hard up for shit to read. What the fucking ever.

Instant Gratification

I want a whiskey and ginger right now but instead I had some of the really old white wine lying in the fridge. It tastes like vinegar but whatever. Then I ate some corned beef and fried rice and a fried egg on top. That shit is banging. It’s something that GF’s mom makes and now we make it sometimes. Hoo damn it’s good.

My friend said that I am just looking for instant gratification and I won’t get that with creating art. That’s why it feels good to just accomplish little shit. Because you start it and three hours later look at all this shit you did! Yeah but writing something worthwhile takes time and no one can see it in the middle. That’s why I’m always thinking of writing a novel or some shit on a blog so people can be like wow look at your progress that’s awesome! every five minutes. That’s why I really like blogging. You just throw up whatever you’re feeling and bam someone likes it.

That’s why I like drinking, too. GF put on “Genie in a Bottle” by Christina Aguilera. That shit is hot I don’t care what anybody says.

But yeah I’m going to spend more time trying to create some fiction shit that takes a long time. Fuck it.

The Thrill Is Still Gone

Blog stats have flat lined.

Damn it.

And the worse they get, the more fiendishly I check them.

How did it come to this?

In my other blog attempts, I would have been happy with two followers as long as one of them was someone I didn’t know. Now I have thirty followers but if I don’t get a new like every hour I’m a sad panda.

In the beginning, I was writing more than I ever had. Just pushing out posts. Then, as I realized how much interesting content was already out there, I followed more and more blogs. Still, I don’t follow as many as most bloggers. But I spend a lot of time reading now, way more than at the beginning, which, let’s keep it in perspective, was only about a month ago. And even more time than that…well ok not really more time but certainly an unhealthy amount of time is spent checking my stats. Seeing what people searched for to get here.

With all that I haven’t been writing near as much.

On the positive side I have been getting out more. Doing more stuff.

And I am trying to remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day.

And the more I think about that, the more I think, what am I trying to build?

The harsh and shameful truth about my mentality is that in the back of my mind, no matter how therapeutic and lovely this blogging experience has been, I’ve been thinking, how can I make enough money doing this so I don’t ever have to leave the house again?

It’s hard for me to be honest about this, because I’d like to think I do things just for the pleasure of doing them. That I blog for the beauty of the connections I’ve made with other minds.

I forget if I mentioned it in another post, or if I wrote it by hand in my super luxurious leather bound diary, but I feel more and more like I am many people. Each of me inhabiting me at different times. I don’t think I have multiple personality disorder, which would be more interesting, but rather, it’s just a way of conceptualizing or grasping the different ways I feel from day to day, sometimes hour to hour.

So one part of me, or one person of me, one person I am…shit, what’s a good way to say it? I don’t know. I’ll name them. Fred. Damn it. That’s another thing, I don’t really like the name Gordon Flanders and I don’t really like the name Fred. But they both just came to me. I should pick a bad ass name like Black Elk. Or Crazy Horse. But Crazy Horse is too awesome for anyone but Crazy Horse so I can’t use that one.

Insecure Money Bastard. That’s what I’ll name that one me. The me that gets worried I’ll never have enough money to pay off my debts and the same one that wants to just stay home all the time and never go to work. I’ll name that me Jerry.

Nah this will get too confusing.

Anyway there’s always that part of me in the background saying, “How can you turn this into a ‘tribe’? How can you turn this into money?” A bunch of buzzword bullshit.

The worst part is no matter how many lessons I learn or insightful things people tell me, I can’t shake this bastard. And so I think, shit if I had 10,000 followers I could just write a book of me just saying whatever came into my mind and sell it for a dollar and I’d have $10,000.

And that’s why I check the stats every day.

Or maybe just one of the reasons. Another reason is it feels really good to have someone ‘like’ your post.

Yeah I think that feeling has more to do with it.

I am chemically dependent on ‘like’ endorphins.

At the same time I still would like to just do this instead of having a job.

A friend once told me that I was still young enough to think I could get rich without working really hard for it. I think I am slowly getting too old to think that.

The problem is I do work really hard when I’m at work, at manual labor type shit. But it’s very easy to be mentally lazy. To zone out and just do your job and get through.

I remember thinking last week that even while I folded napkins I should make it so that I was like a napkin folding artist. Then yesterday I remember thinking, I’m going to be a getting through the workday artist. Fuck folding napkins like an artist, I’m just going to get through the day on autopilot and that’s how I’m going to earn my money.

Well, a few days ago I decided I would never make money from writing. I decided to give up on making money at writing and just do it for the sheer pleasure of writing. Then I thought I should get a part time job during the day to make money, and then invest that money to make more money. I’ve known all along that writing stories is a bad way to make money, and anyway I haven’t written any stories and that’s an even worse way to make money. So I got pretty excited about finally giving up on it. I love giving up on things, it brings such a peace. At first anyway, or maybe it’s just a peace in disguise. Maybe it’s a little death. When you finally give up on everything, you can transcend this world and exist as an indistinguishable part of the all-soul in complete tranquility, or what humans call not having a pulse any more. Hm sometimes it’s pretty tempting.

Yes and then the very next day, I saw that the restaurant put me on a lunch shift where I usually work a night shift. So I thought, well that’s going to be hard to reconcile with the new part time job, if I’m not on a set schedule every week. And then I thought, because I was thinking at first about what Seth Godin said about the days of the journeyman writer being over, or in other words that only the greatest of writers will get paid, the ones that persist through insurmountable odds and such, and the rest of us will just do it for free because it’s so available now that no one really has to pay for words…okay I’ll restart that sentence. So as I thought about the days of the journeymen writers being over, I thought, well what about David Gaughran and Dean Weasley Smith. They make at least a little money from selling their books. I could eventually make enough money to at least account for what I would be making at a part time job.

So then I was back on the “I can make money writing” train.

And I’m still on it. Because it works perfectly with my new “Rome wasn’t built in a day” kick. Who cares if I don’t make any money at it this year or the next or the next? In ten years I’m bound to make a few hundred a month at it. You just can’t do it that long and fuck it up.

This is the kind of writing I love to do. Just writing down whatever comes in my head and having people actually read it is a dream come true.

To an extent, writing a story or a well researched essay is a craft. If you work hard at it, you can make a product that someone will pay a little money for. And even though I’d rather just sit here and write random bullshit all day, I guess I’d rather work at writing that kind of stuff than work at another coffee shop.

Then again, I was reading this book today about women and guns and it was talking about how this one lawyer works for free to defend women who have been charged with using a gun against an attacker unlawfully. And I thought, shit I’d like to do that. I never once thought about becoming a lawyer, but GF is in grad school, fuck it, maybe I will too.

Yeah I pretty much got it all figured.

To Like or Not to Like

Readability Index: Readable

Last night GF was laying on my chest so I couldn’t write any more. But I was reading blogs and liking the ones I liked. I typed in “rambling” and read whatever looked interesting. And I found quite a few that I liked. Some I wanted to comment on, but I couldn’t type, so I just liked.

Liking is a weird thing because it’s a way to say that you’ve been there and acknowledge the blogger’s effort and even that you enjoyed the post, but at the same time, if you like too much, you can be seen as parading around trying to get people to look at your blog. Nothing will bring more one time visitors to your blog then just going out and liking a hundred blogs that don’t already have a thousand likes. Nothing besides being freshly pressed or being number one in the google results for ‘sex’ or something like that. It’s all because of those emails that say maybe you’ll like their blog as much as they liked yours! I like that WordPress is trying to get everyone to interact, because that’s what I like about blogging. But sometimes I wonder if I should like so much stuff.

But that’s the censor in me, or maybe it’s the ego, or they are the same thing I don’t know, but it’s that thing that worries about the impression you are making. And I started in this blog game just a week ago to get rid of that bastard. Worrying about the impression you make on people is something I do all day in the real world. I’m pretty good at it, which means then that I have a lot of things about myself that I repress, or simply hide from view, to use a phrase less fraught with psychosomatic meaning. I always liked the word psychosomatic but I don’t exactly know what it means. So anyway…just an observation. I’ll keep liking whatever I want, which is of course the general good advice given to those people who write the kinds of posts that talk about liking. I read quite a few of them yesterday.