What the Fuck Am I Talking About?

I am seventy-five hundred words into this new story and it’s going really well. I started looking over my old stories and counting how many actual new stories I ever wrote versus how many diary entries I wrote. It turns out I haven’t written all that many different stories. I mean there are a lot, but not in comparison to the diaries. So then I thought how much time do I actually spend even writing fiction and it’s not much, cumulatively over the year. 2015 year of new stories. I’m still working on that badger story, thinking of new shit for it etc. Now I spend only a little time writing fiction, between ten minutes to an hour at most per day, but I don’t talk about it as much. I’m only talking about it today because I’ve got some extra time before work and I’ve already exceeded my thousand word limit.

I’m listening to songs from Ok Computer over and over again while I’m writing today, even though I’ve never taken the time to get into Radiohead. I know I should, but I should do everything else, too. I’ve been watching Mad Men episodes again at night. Tonight there’s a party after work paid for by the managers for the staff of the restaurant and I told my book guy I am not going to drink a lot and then I told him the story of getting fired from that restaurant where I was a bartender. The whole story, that might have been a mistake. Another chink in the armor.

I ended up sweeping all over the apartment today, lifting rugs and such looking for this earring that we lost the night of the last big drink. Can’t find it. I guess the cat hid it. It felt a little like spring cleaning. The cat is sitting on the bookshelf with it’s eyes closed like it’s really digging the music. I would like it to be spring, because it is cold, but today it is warmer and there was snow yesterday and now it is melting so fast in the heat that when you walk a tree-lined street like I did with my wife this morning it feels like it is raining as the snow melts from the trees.

Yesterday my wife and I made meatloaf for dinner. While it was cooking I was like, well I got to write a thousand words before bed and she said fuck it just do it now while this is cooking and I did and she folded the laundry. It wasn’t the easiest thousand words I ever wrote, with her there talking to the cat, but I was surprised to find that I could get it done even on a day that we were together. It has been six days since I committed to the idea.

Today I tried to do more pushups but I am really pathetic at them. I have been to the gym three times this month, and my goal is five so, well I think I should make it. I didn’t think it would be this hard, but with the vacation I guess is what made it hard. What the fuck am I even talking about any more? I don’t know, fuck it.

Today I went down to the train to come back home but there were these signs talking about G train to church avenue on this side of the tracks and I thought I was on the wrong side so I went out and came back in on what I thought was the other side and I tried to use my card which is a monthly pass but you can’t use the monthly pass consecutively because you could be letting other people in with your same card so it wouldn’t let me in so I had to use a different card so there went $2.50 and then I went inside and realized I was still on the same sign but this time I was sure it was right and I looked down the track and there was my train but it was too far to run for it and so I had to sit down and wait another ten minutes for a train and I was thinking fuck man! Fuck this shit! New fucking York! God damn it! So then I read some Bleak House on my phone and it passed but I was like god damn it! for a minute there.

I was listening to Marc Maron yesterday and said that Maynard from Tool told him that if you don’t believe in Magic a little bit it’s hard to be creative and I’ve heard that before in a different way but I thought that was a cool way to say it or rather it was a cool person to say it.

Half an hour until I go to work now…feels like it’s been a while since I’ve been in this position of waiting to go to work and not really wanting to go, but here I am all the same. And just last night I thought for the first time that I was excited to have coffee in the morning and already I was doing something fun, watching TV, and I thought that I had achieved whatever it was that I wanted to achieve in life and so it was all downhill from here and downhill is where I’m happiest anyway and anyway it was a slow grade but just enough so I didn’t have to work any more…but now I feel differently and as Chuck Klosterman said, “This is why I will always hate mornings.”

But no, I’m good, I’m cool, I’ve just got too much time today, enough time to be thinking too much about myself. The subconscious mind is the smart one, the conscious mind can’t be engaged too much or your start wondering about shit that you shouldn’t be wondering about…again, what the fuck am I talking about?

This is what you get. Oh, Jesus Fuck I forgot to eat! Well, at least for that.

We’re Just Having Tescos

Today I was riding the train and the guy next to me was on page four of Walden. I still haven’t finished the book but I really liked the first half of it. I just started reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman. The first chapter was one of the best things I’ve ever read. It pulled me in completely and, at first, imperceptibly. All of the sudden I really cared about this guy and his world collapsing. Really deft writing. The second and third chapters I think are also really, really good. Not as good as that first one though. Overall I think this has the potential to become a new favorite book.

Read it!

Fucking A, that’s what I wanted to do today, but instead I came home and started getting worried about money again. 2015 is supposed to be the year of the dollar, and then I said fuck that and went down to four shifts, but then it snowed and now no one at all is coming in to the restaurant and we can’t make any kind of money. I’m legit going to make no money in February. I will be ok, though, by mid March I will be able to buy groceries again without having to do anything life altering. So, still in an upwards-ish trajectory financially speaking.

So anyway I’m still going to read that shit. I have to talk with this crazy man about his book thing again today at some point. What the hell else was I going to say?

Oh yeah, fucking A I watched Russell Brand on g live or something with the Guardian. I think The Babe recommended it because he looked sexy. It’s true. And also, really engaging interview, as always. I am looking for his book on sale somewhere. Maybe I will get it at the library. Otherwise I will wait until late March when I have a few duckets to spend. That’s a great interview, and so is Stephen Colbert interviewing Neil deGrasse Tyson. Did I already talk about that?

Watch that shit!

Yeah I told my brother, who believes that Thoth and Hermes Trismegistus are the same person, that shit is looking up around here. More people are talking about shit that matters and more people are questioning why society is built the way it is. I think we’ll be “having Tescos” by the end of the decade. Maybe slightly optimistic, especially with oil prices going down. That was from the interview with Russell Brand, “having Tescos.” It’s really funny, he’s saying that corporations have to run according to their charter and if we wanted we could just take them over. They’d be like, we’re not doing any of that we’ve got lawyers and money and so on and then we’d be like, “yeah well, there’s loads of us and we’re having Tescos.” Yeah so…I’m sure that recreated it pretty perfectly for you.

Here’s the link: RUSSELL BRAND, and if you’re pressed for time, just go to: FUNNY PART ABOUT TESCO.

I was listening to Marc Maron again and I was thinking about how if you listen to someone you like you can learn things that they’re not even talking about, where if you listen to someone you don’t really care about or don’t like, they can tell you really important stuff and it might not even register. Marc Maron’s style kind of fits my thinking so when I’m listening to him, new information is presented in a way that I can integrate with my own half-thoughts and then I’ve got a new insight. Other times I listen to new podcasts I’m trying out or read certain books or whatever, and it could be really cool information but it doesn’t hit me in that way. It’s an interesting thing for a writer to think about. Maybe you and your work are the only way someone else will ever learn an important thing.

Well back to sitting around worrying or reading…or eating perhaps I will just eat until I feel better. No I will read and wait for this bastard to call me. Any second now I’ll be trapped in a harrowing phone conversation with a muttering psychopathic maniac.

Marc Maron Is Genuinely Likable

(Yes, that is how you spell likable.)

Sun is gone, it’s dark out there, coffee is cold, music is on, and the house is cold cold mother fucking cold. God damn it’s cold always cold in my house.

I started listening to the news and shit today thanks to the babe and my recent lapse in narcissism. Marion Barry died, old mayor of Washington, DC. The self-proclaimed Mayor for Life, his term is finally over. Obama did some ambassador appointing in Myanmar. And something about how to cook turkey. So, just American news really. And I listened to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast while I set up the dining room at the restaurant. Yo that guy is the shit.

Yo, what did I tell you about the links? This blog is hooked into the grid like an unfortunate sea gull in this badass piece by Luke Otley. Fucking A I been using the hooked metaphor like three times in the last five minutes. So what you know about that? Nothing.

Marc Maron had this guy on his show, Rhett Miller, of the band called The Old 97s or something like that and I ain’t even going to link that shit because I couldn’t tell you for sure that I condone this mother fucker one iota but I’ll tell you what I do know, I like that mother fucker. He was talking about living the creative life and how he attempted suicide as a kid because he saw this life of meaninglessness set out before him but then afterwards he realized that making good art (Neil Gaiman reference bitches, link that shit yourself) was what made life worth while. I don’t know he said some other shit that was good. Listen to the podcast, what the fuck are you asking me for?

Plus he was going on about dealing with your family on Thanksgiving and that shit was pretty funny. I never really fucked with Marc Maron in the past, I ain’t even heard about him because I don’t read Great Comic Digest but then I saw him on Louis, that show is awesome, and Louis was like shit man I’m sorry, I been holding a grudge against you for thirty years and it was all my fault to begin with! And Marc Maron is like, bitch I know! You said that last year! Ha!

Yeah look that shit up it’s a lot funnier than all that.

Anyway, so that’s the first time I even heard of this guy. I didn’t even know he was a real comic but I checked him out and was like oh okay and that was the end because I figured he was some crotchety mother fucker based on his knobby ass knees and I ain’t really care to get caught up in the codger business so I left it at that.

But then a while ago I heard the WTF podcast and I thought that shit was alright but I really only half heard that shit. Then a while ago I was on stitcher and I really don’t even know why but I listen latered that shit (ya’ll let me know if you can’t keep up with the stitcher lingo, it’s a millennial/hipster/jackoff thing) and then I in fact did listen to it later and it was hilarious. I mean he just starts the show with some crazy shit. He just says shit off the top of his head and it’s exactly what I was thinking! And he has a different voice than I do, but some of his words line up with mine most notably shit and fuck and of course he is a performing artist who is performing so of course that shit sounds outrageously on point.

Yeah so I like that fucker, Marc Maron. But I only listened to two podcasts so far.

And that’s how I end up doing shit you know? Fucking Carl Sagan, I ain’t hear about him for the longest time and then it took a little bit for me to check him out. Hunter Thompson, I remember I’d seen Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas the movie floating around for years and years before I ever checked that shit out. Now he’s my imaginary god father. And Catch-22, my bible, I heard that shit was hot for a long time and I was always like yeah right. What else? Yeah I don’t know I always got to hear some shit like thirty times, like whatever they say about marketing and shit and exposure, and then on top of that I have to be in the right moment to even check it out. And I’ll make myself think I’m begin all impulsive and shit. Fucking marketers.

Hey man but let’s go ahead and end this shit so I can write my shit ass novel already. Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Say hi to Vickram and Ox for me, yeah I’ll be around that way in November of next whenever the fuck. Cat and the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. When you coming back son? I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then.