Housekeeping 2017

A little housekeeping is in order, y’all.

Aw man I love the way that sounds. It sounds like I built a house here and now I got to clean it up. This shit ain’t even an apartment any more. Four or five years and three hundred posts in we got ourselves a split-level fixer-upper going right here.

First thing to tell you is that I got rid of those mother fucking insidious WordPress enabled ads! Fuck these fucking “visitors may see ads here” or however that shit is worded. I had this blog four years and I been railing against advertising and shit like that and meanwhile ads are sneaking up on my site and shit just because I want to save $35 so I can buy a month’s supply of cinnamon Altoids. No more! I took control of that shit. If anyone wants to thank me, give me money! Preferably enough to buy a year’s worth of Altoids, and keep in mind I got CHRONIC halitosis.

Secondly…mother fuckers I am about to put pictures all over this fucking blog. You know why? Because I don’t give a fuck any more. I like taking terrible pictures and then using the Photos App on my iPhone to give them hokey ass filters and shit to make them look “artistic.” Ansel Adams would have had to take a job at the mother fucking toothpaste-cap-screwing-on factory if he was alive in this day and age of bullshit ass filters, and I love it…I fuckin love it!

Also: Holy Shit!!!!! The Dog Days Are OVER y’all. Someone I count as a good friend, the renaissance woman known to us only as Pickled Sparkly Moose Princess (occasionally Duchess), has returned from sabbatical and is posting again at Accidental Tentacles. Get on that shit ASAP!

Speaking of brilliance, where’s my old friend Babe? She’s convalescing somewhere in paradise and, as far as I know, remains on this side of death’s door. I’m ’bout to write her a public letter later. Got to get back in that open letter writing groove! Shit!

Speaking of Babe, what happened to Hijacked Amygdala? That shit went viral y’all! One of Anna Spoon’s badass collages got freshly pressed or some shit like that and people were like dammmmnnnnn. And then most of us were like, yep I’m good! And now we post more sporadically. But that shit still looks good though, especially taken as a whole in front of a computer with a big ass screen. Beautiful photos and collages and shit and haunting ass words about all kinds of fucked up shit. Just in case the world got too plastic smiley for your ass all the sudden. Or rather slowly but surely. Or rather quickly and inexorably. Anyways go read my stupid ass poem I wrote today.

Yeah so anyway, moving on, I been posting a lot, right? You’re god damn right. It’s March Madness right now! Will this shit continue? Yes, this shit will fucking continue god damn it. Unfollow if your feed is getting gummed up with inane BULLshit and you can’t take it any more! Because this shit is going to go all year! A stupid ass post every god damn day until 2018! I’m not just building poorly planned castles in the sky this time, I swear to JESUS CHRIST on my fucking…no I mean on YOUR…ok on someone mildly tolerable’s LIFE…I swear on THAT.

Lastly, thank you, members of the band Tool and makers of JBL bluetooth speakers, for helping me to write this post. Just so you know, Tool is playing a show in NYC this June. That is not a misprint. Tool is playing at The Governor’s Ball (whatever the FUCK that is). I think I’m going to go! If anyone else wants to go, I would be there under the name of Gordon Flanders and we can get WILD. No contact information or real names will be exchanged. Just throwing that out there for anyone who might want to go to a Tool concert but doesn’t have someone super fucking cool to go with (like me) but is also afraid of catfishing and human trafficking and annoying creepy texts from married men late at night and all that kind of shit that can happen when you meet someone in real life. Let me know via the comments.

Love ya, bitches!