Righteous Anger Isn’t an Oxymoron

I used to think that if Molly got mad at me I had to fix it right away. Stop everything, find the source of the problem, make it right. Sometimes I would do all that and she still wouldn’t be happy and then I would get frustrated. Especially if we were on vacation or something. It felt like the vacation was being ruined, that we would remember only that time when she was mad over some insignificant thing.

Today she got mad because her plan didn’t really work out and we wasted two hours driving around. Instead of trying to fix it with words or touching, I just drove around acting normal. I didn’t try to pretend that it didn’t suck that we were wasting time. I didn’t try to make it into a joke to make her see how trivial it was to worry about such things. I just let her be mad about it as if that were a reasonable response, which it is, really. 

I guess I used to think that you could die at any second so you might as well not worry about dumb shit like the fact that you’re wasting time because shit didn’t turn out like you had planned. I also used to believe that nothing really mattered, so I couldn’t see the point in getting worked up about anything really. I said I believed in that kind of shit, but I would get worked up about shit, too, just much different shit.

So now that I am allowing for the fact that things have value, I can see that being all mad about some dumb shit has its place, and maybe the reason Molly used to be mad for so long was that I was just quietly acting like she was an idiot for even bothering to be angry.

This time I let her be mad and I didn’t pretend it wasn’t frustrating and she got over it quickly and I didn’t get all stressed out that she didn’t like me or something.

I think a big part of why I built up so much resentment towards her over the years is because any time she would get mad I would blame myself and then slowly I would get mad at how unfair it was for her to think that it was my fault when I hadn’t done anything. So all this dumb shit was going on inside my head that didn’t have any basis in reality and should have been handled externally.

Any time I start to say something passive aggressive, I’m now trying to stop and instead say something more direct and constructive. And if Molly says something passive aggressive to me, I try to swat that shit down aggressively so we can fight about it instead of internalizing some made up bullshit. It’s not always easy and I don’t succeed every time but it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. 

I used to have these revenge fantasies, not against Molly but against other people, strangers mostly. So someone would do something I didn’t like and then I would fantasize about beating the shit out of them, some disproportionate type shit. But in reality I wouldn’t do anything, probably be even nicer to them the more I hated them because then slowly I would start to feel bad because I hated them so much and they hadn’t really done all that much shit to me.

So I have this darkness inside but I try to lock it up and pretend it doesn’t exist and it comes out in fantasies and in a growing resentment towards humanity. Instead it would be better to integrate the darkness into my personality and react to things I don’t like by making sure people know that I don’t like those things. Even get mad sometimes. I used to think that even getting angry was a sin. And then after I stopped believing in God, I thought getting angry was a sign of weakness. But I think now that getting angry is necessary for having a healthy relationship with the outside world. People should know when they’ve made me angry. I don’t have to hurt them with words or actions, but if I don’t indicate the fact that I’m unhappy how arethey  supposed to know to change their behavior? And besides it becomes so much worse when I just resent someone quietly. Instead of just snapping at someone and apologizing for it later maybe, I end up smiling at them and wishing they would die.

It’s important to have a healthy relationship with anger instead of just trying to avoid it in myself and others. 

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A reminder from the other side

You say that people want to be lied to because you want to lie. I don’t know how but you’re being selfish. You’re not telling the truth when you think you are. Your points break down between shots. Tighten up your theories Doc, this shit ain’t little league.

I lie to everyone because it’s the only way for me to feel superior and I need to feel superior because I believe that I am worthless. 

A Convoluted Dream

Last night I had a lot of dreams. I was so tired from work. I tried to forget my dreams a little while ago because they just keep me from waking up. And a lot of the time they are bad dreams. I know if I stopped thinking about my dreams, eventually I would be like most people and not remember them after I woke up, making it seem like they had never happened. That’s how GF is. She thinks she doesn’t dream. But everyone dreams, or at least that’s what I heard. Funny the amount of things you hear and then you just take them for granted. Here is a cool video that points out ten things that most people believe that are actually not true. And here’s another list I found while looking for that video. You have to be careful on Buzzfeed. It’s too late to warn you but that site can really take a bite out of your day.

But anyway shit now it’s like an hour later and I don’t remember what I was going to say.

Oh so anyway last night’s dreams. One was that I was working with my grandmother making cookies for this restaurant, but we were working illegally out of a trailer in the parking lot behind the restaurant. And there were cops there and I was sure we were going to get shut down but I guess they were getting free cookies or something because they didn’t do anything. Then my grandmother had a stroke and died. So the food truck could not continue without her, and I was like well shit that sucks. But my sister said, well those cookies were really horrible anyway, try one. And I did, and it was nasty. So then I felt ok about the whole thing. But then I was in a room with my ex-girlfriend and she was really upset about it. And then we were crying about it on the couch and her current boyfriend walked in and I got up and said I would be back later. I didn’t want to be in the same room with them because in the dream I wanted to get back together with this ex-girlfriend. In real life she’s married and I’m really glad we’re not together. She was always sad and everyone could cheer her up except me and it made me feel like shit all the time. But in the dream world we were going to be together or something. And this guy showed up and I thought she had broken up with him. But when I saw that she hadn’t I knew it was like old times, that they would have sex and she would feel better and that made me feel really shitty. So I went into my old room, did I mention we were at my parents’ house? And I went in there and it was a total mess. Shit was everywhere. But that was normal in the context of the dream. And I sat there thinking that no one cared, that I was all alone in the world and all I wanted to do was talk to someone. And then I thought well if I could just have sex with GF (the real one) then I would feel fine. But that was impossible or something. And I wanted to die so I just went to sleep.

And then I was woken up in the dream world by that same boyfriend who was really pissed and I surmised that ex GF had told him we were getting back together so he was out. He had a little pen knife and he was brandishing it and he was a big dude, a brawler type with long blonde raggedy hair.

He said, “You’ve got three seconds to give me my phone back before I cut it out of you.” I have no idea what that means now and I didn’t know then.

I tried to calm him down, telling him to look at himself, he was obviously better than me in every way. He kept telling me to stand up, why won’t you stand up? He kept asking. And I told him I didn’t want to fight him and that I didn’t understand what was going on with that girl either. I felt like no one would ever understand or care about anything about me.

Then I woke up. I told GF the dream and as soon as I was done she said something that had nothing to do with the dream at all. Then I tried to ask what she thought of the dream and she said she was sorry she just had her mind on other things, and then she told me to tell her the dream again. Then I felt like no one would understand or care about anything about me.

Well, I know it’s not really true. But it was just a depressing thing to wake up from a dream and have the same unpleasant feeling. I walked her to class. She is graduating today from her certificate program. And it was a really nice walk and we had a nice conversation about when we used to live in DC. So that was nice. And then I called my old friend in DC and we talked about restaurant and that was great.

But I still feel like most people don’t listen to anything that I say. Maybe that’s why I like writing, because no one interrupts you. I guess I’ve said that before.