Odd

I was surprised and delighted when I came home and my wife was not in bed. 

She said did you drink?

No do you want to have sex now?

She said she had a stomach ache and has to wake up early.

Dark Part 2

You can read part 1 here.

I guess, like many children who were raised as Christians, I’ve always had a problem with sex. I didn’t even have actual sex with my girlfriend of three years from the age of 16 to 19 because it was one of the hard lines of Christian morality that I would not cross. All I did as a teenager was think about sex, but I knew I mustn’t act on the thoughts. I even felt super guilty when I masturbated.

When I met the woman who became my wife, she was so beautiful that I couldn’t resist her. I didn’t tell her until months in that I was deeply religious and had felt that all the sex we were having was a sin. She thought that was weird and kind of hurtful. Immediately after that conversation, we had the best sex we had ever had up to that point.

Two years into our relationship, I stopped believing in God. I derided any kind of belief in anything, even that the color of a t-shirt could be known, and prided myself on not being delusional. I began to internalize that life was a cruel joke.

Sometimes after that, my wife would want to have sex, but I wouldn’t feel like it. I would be too busy thinking about how I’m going to get myself out of this hell. I thought the answer was make more money so that everyone could leave me alone, so that I could stay home and brood and not have to do shit.

One of the few things I still enjoyed (with the other things being eating and doing drugs, mostly alcohol), was courtship: the parts leading up to sex that you were technically allowed to do as an evangelical. I assumed it was too late to court my wife, so I would court girls at work. Mostly they were girls I didn’t find attractive, so there was no danger of me getting caught up. Sometimes they were girls I found attractive, but who were used to the game and would play along with no interest in going any further.

But on two occasions, it seemed that I had found a soulmate.

The first girl did a lot of drugs, so we were able to forget about our problems and just live in the moment. Before anything happened sexually, she had some kind of breakdown and disappeared for a few days. In the time it took for her to re-establish connection, I seriously contemplated suicide one day and got fired from my job for blacking out at work and being creepy the next.

The second girl, this recent one, doesn’t drink, so instead of just checking out, we have long talks in which she challenges everything that I believe.

I had to ask myself, did I make a mistake getting married? At first I thought the answer was yes. Slowly, very slowly, I realized that I didn’t really love this girl. I loved the idea I had of her, and what my life could be like if I wasn’t bound by the only thing that kept me in the world of the living: my wife.

Why hadn’t I broken up with my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, when I decided that life was meaningless and cruel? If nothing mattered, why couldn’t I just leave her and do drugs and listen to music and fuck the world?

Click here to go to part 3.

 

 

Absent Minded Somnambulist

I am sitting next to my front door (on the inside of my apartment) on a gray rug that I stole from an absent minded somnambulist. I am sitting here drinking a beer that I don’t particularly like and I am thinking about what I did today. Only I’m not thinking of events because I can’t remember them well enough to make sense of them. Instead, I am thinking about this moment and what does it mean to be a man in Nautilus brand sweat pants two sizes too big with frayed bottoms drinking a beer in the dark at one in the morning while my wife sleeps and my good friend reposes on the love seat with his feet over the side and his breathing slow and shallow and that’s what makes me think he is asleep, too.

The reason I can’t think of the things I did today is that I am not the person who did those things. Maybe half my cells have died and been replaced since then. My mind certainly can’t process the past in a satisfactory way. It skews even the present, but not as viciously as it does the past. The memories I have now are only a representation of the person I’ve become since those memories allegedly occurred.

Anyway, it’s kind of nice here, now that I think about it. The beer is not tasty but it is alcoholic and oftentimes that’s what matters.

(Just now, by the way, I think someone built an entire jungle gym right outside of my door and then dropped it down the stairs. Either that or Charles Bronson is escaping this building’s stairwell using only a tin sledgehammer and a baby’s rattle.)

It’s nice here and besides I have had a nice day. I didn’t expect it to end this way, but that’s okay.

See my friend came to visit me and I had to work. So I was away for eight and a half hours and they were thinking of coming out after I got off. But then I texted them at midnight to say what’s up and got no reply. Then I walk into a dark apartment and so it goes.

A Convoluted Dream

Last night I had a lot of dreams. I was so tired from work. I tried to forget my dreams a little while ago because they just keep me from waking up. And a lot of the time they are bad dreams. I know if I stopped thinking about my dreams, eventually I would be like most people and not remember them after I woke up, making it seem like they had never happened. That’s how GF is. She thinks she doesn’t dream. But everyone dreams, or at least that’s what I heard. Funny the amount of things you hear and then you just take them for granted. Here is a cool video that points out ten things that most people believe that are actually not true. And here’s another list I found while looking for that video. You have to be careful on Buzzfeed. It’s too late to warn you but that site can really take a bite out of your day.

But anyway shit now it’s like an hour later and I don’t remember what I was going to say.

Oh so anyway last night’s dreams. One was that I was working with my grandmother making cookies for this restaurant, but we were working illegally out of a trailer in the parking lot behind the restaurant. And there were cops there and I was sure we were going to get shut down but I guess they were getting free cookies or something because they didn’t do anything. Then my grandmother had a stroke and died. So the food truck could not continue without her, and I was like well shit that sucks. But my sister said, well those cookies were really horrible anyway, try one. And I did, and it was nasty. So then I felt ok about the whole thing. But then I was in a room with my ex-girlfriend and she was really upset about it. And then we were crying about it on the couch and her current boyfriend walked in and I got up and said I would be back later. I didn’t want to be in the same room with them because in the dream I wanted to get back together with this ex-girlfriend. In real life she’s married and I’m really glad we’re not together. She was always sad and everyone could cheer her up except me and it made me feel like shit all the time. But in the dream world we were going to be together or something. And this guy showed up and I thought she had broken up with him. But when I saw that she hadn’t I knew it was like old times, that they would have sex and she would feel better and that made me feel really shitty. So I went into my old room, did I mention we were at my parents’ house? And I went in there and it was a total mess. Shit was everywhere. But that was normal in the context of the dream. And I sat there thinking that no one cared, that I was all alone in the world and all I wanted to do was talk to someone. And then I thought well if I could just have sex with GF (the real one) then I would feel fine. But that was impossible or something. And I wanted to die so I just went to sleep.

And then I was woken up in the dream world by that same boyfriend who was really pissed and I surmised that ex GF had told him we were getting back together so he was out. He had a little pen knife and he was brandishing it and he was a big dude, a brawler type with long blonde raggedy hair.

He said, “You’ve got three seconds to give me my phone back before I cut it out of you.” I have no idea what that means now and I didn’t know then.

I tried to calm him down, telling him to look at himself, he was obviously better than me in every way. He kept telling me to stand up, why won’t you stand up? He kept asking. And I told him I didn’t want to fight him and that I didn’t understand what was going on with that girl either. I felt like no one would ever understand or care about anything about me.

Then I woke up. I told GF the dream and as soon as I was done she said something that had nothing to do with the dream at all. Then I tried to ask what she thought of the dream and she said she was sorry she just had her mind on other things, and then she told me to tell her the dream again. Then I felt like no one would understand or care about anything about me.

Well, I know it’s not really true. But it was just a depressing thing to wake up from a dream and have the same unpleasant feeling. I walked her to class. She is graduating today from her certificate program. And it was a really nice walk and we had a nice conversation about when we used to live in DC. So that was nice. And then I called my old friend in DC and we talked about restaurant and that was great.

But I still feel like most people don’t listen to anything that I say. Maybe that’s why I like writing, because no one interrupts you. I guess I’ve said that before.