Columbus Day in New Amsterdam

Man I am about to get right up out of this chair and make some coffee. It’s going to be the shit.

Like, what I’m saying, I’m going to get up, like physically, alright? Can you grasp that?

I mean I am literally seconds away from moving out of this chair, alright?

No, I don’t think you understand. You’re not quite getting it.

That’s alright though, because in, like, five seconds I think…five seconds probably my ass is going to be up out of this chair. I’m going to be turning right the fuck around and going into the kitchen and I’m going to make coffee.

See I already know that Sister left the coffee beans right next to the record player. I don’t know why in fuck she did that, because the coffee beans clearly are not musical. You can’t even eat coffee beans while listening to records. Coffee beans have no acoustic qualities.

I’m going to grab that nasty ass can of Trader Joe’s fair trade bullshit whole bean coffee beans and I’m going to pop that lid and be like, hell yeah, I did my part for the liberation of Equaraguistan today.

Then I’m going to grind that shit up in a burr grinder, mother fucker. Do you know what the fuck that shit is even going to do to those coffee beans? It’s going to fuck them shits up like it was Columbus Day in New Amsterdam.

Then I’m going to take that shit and put it in a filter, a paper filter made by a company that had the audacity to name themselves “If You Care.” Mother fucker, I don’t care! That’s why I use paper coffee filters, bitch! I cut down trees in this mother fucker and I make myself a delicious drink. Fuck you, you band aid ass mother fuckers.

And then I’m going to heat up some water by doing absolutely nothing. I’m literally going to stand there and watch water heat up. Like I’m fucking Merlin up in here. Mother fuckers ain’t even going to be able to handle that shit. It’s just going to be like aodsifjapidshfpwerpoafie asdf fuck it’s hot in here! Damn! That’s what the water’s going to say.

Then I’m going to pour that shit right over the fucked up coffee. I mean that coffee is so fucked up, it can’t even remember it was a plant. It can’t even remember it was in a non-recyclable can processed by We Could Give a Shit, But We Don’t, Incorporated…PS Fair Trade.

And then after all that shit I’m just going to straight chef that coffee up. I’m going to add some fucked up pale gold sugar from some fucked up nation and some old cream that I have nothing even to say about it. And I’m going to stir that shit…I mean I am going to stir that shit beyond all fucking reason. There’s going to be no reason to stir, is what I’m trying to tell you. By the time I’m done stirring it may well be mother fucking Christmas.

And then I’m going to have made coffee, bitches.

I still don’t think you understand.

I really am. I’m going to make that shit, god damn it.

No for real, I’m about to get up. Seriously, ya’ll, just wait, this shit is happening.

Right…in a minute.

Advertisements

A List of Things I Did Today

It’s been a wild day. I spent a lot of it outside the house. Most of it up to now. And now we are home and GF is doing yoga to a video and the people downstairs are practically yelling at each other as a means of communication. We can’t wait to move out of here and not hear these people any more.

But whatever. Big deal. Better than having suicide headaches.

I’m kind of hungry now. I went to PS Gourmet Coffee for the first time today and if you haven’t seen their campy ad on TV you’re missing out.

It’s a lot smaller than it looks in that commercial. I hung out there for a while. GF had some meeting and she wanted to go out for lunch in the city so I figured I might as well go with her, even though it meant missing out on some writing time. It’s President’s Day or something so she didn’t have to go to school.

I sat there and read an Irish newspaper article about this owl getting stuck in an SUV on a Florida turnpike and living through the 140 mile ride. And then I read some more about women and guns.

Then we went to this super cool coffee shop called Barrington or something like that.

Then we went to this Thai restaurant called Brown Sugar Cafe. It was awesome. There were fish swimming around.

Then we went grocery shopping. At least that’s over. Trader Joe’s was mobbed with cars.

And now I’m here, trying to get into the writing groove, but all this noise…and shit I don’t know. I’m not feeling it.

From the back heel through the hands you want to be one long diagonal line. Really feel both legs working evenly. Inhale lift the body, exhale vinyasa.

A List of Things I Did This Morning

Last night I had a couple drinks and rode home. So when I got up this morning, about three hours after I had gone to bed, to say goodbye to GF, I was sure I was going to be a little hungover. I had drank two glasses of water before going to bed, and that turned to be both good and bad. Good because I was only a little hungover. Bad because I woke up like four times to go to the bathroom. And usually if I have to go I just hold it while I’m sleeping. I’m like a camel. But this shit was intense every single time I just couldn’t hold it. So that was my night.

Then I woke up and it’s supposed to be another Snowpacalypse out here in Boston. So GF wanted me to get some bread from the convenience store. So I got up with a mission at around 9:00, putting my sleep hours at about seven. Put on the same clothes I had on yesterday and said, “Fuck it. I’m going to Trader Joe’s.”

I pulled the bike out of the basement where I had put it last night for safe-keeping, out of the splash zone. Put on my REI facemask and put on my new, ridiculous looking forty-five dollar helmet and hopped right the fuck outside.

I didn’t eat breakfast or nothing, which on hangover days is usually bad news. I just rode, man, thinking God damn if this isn’t the greatest thing since blogging. Just fucking going over the river to TJ’s in a snow storm without having to look at bus schedules or anything. Of course, it’s just my luck that a fucking 64 bus was leaving at the same time as I was.

But no matter. I was doing it for more than convenience. I gotta say once I hopped on that bike I felt like a 98 pound weakling. I don’t use those thigh muscles like that. Hills are killer. But anyway I made it.

Rolled up in Trader Joe’s just as happy as a lark. Shit was a madhouse. But they still had bread! Couldn’t believe it. Got some other shit and stood in line, listening to this mom and her kids and they were all pushing up against me in line and shit. Then the dude, I paid him in ones and he said, “I hope this isn’t stripper money.” Well shit, what if it was. He’d feel like a fool. So I told him it was. Then I said just kidding I’m a bartender. But he didn’t give a damn either way I guess.

Oh on the way there I gave a homeless man a dollar and I never do that, mostly because I can’t afford to give any money away. But I just happened to have a lot of ones so I hopped off the bike and chased him down and gave him a dollar and he was super cool about it. I felt good about that.

And while I was at Trader Joe’s, and I guess all last night and to that homeless dude too I was calling everyone “brother.” I thought it might get annoying, but when I say it I feel connected to them. I haven’t called anyone sister yet, so I don’t know how that will go. But people seem to be taking it well, they seem to like it.

And then I jumped on the bike and ran into a trash can. Knocked the whole shit right over, banged up my knee, right in a crowded parking lot. Well no one gave a shit about it, didn’t laugh or even look at me, and I gaurantee you that shit was funny looking. It was a huge empty trash can and it clanged and fell into three pieces. So I guess people were just worried about Snowmageddon.

Yeah they closed my restaurant down today because nobody would show anyway. It’s great in one way but it sucks to lose that money.

Well I rode back real leisurely as I couldn’t really muster any more effort than that. And I cruised on home and rolled up in this bitch feeling fine. It was a bitch getting the bike back downstairs but whatever.

I ate some banana bread and called Wells Fargo and closed my account, finally! The damn thing keeps getting overdrafted so I can’t close it but finally I caught it at a zero balance. And then I made a big payment to my student loan so they’ll shut up for a while. And I kept a little money for myself! Which I never do, but I think I’ll bank some of it. Start “paying myself first” like you read in all those Robert Kawasaki books. Is that his name? Shit I forget.

It’s Kiyosaki apparently, I just had to look it up and thus broke one of my rules but now it’s pretty funny that I said Kawasaki.

And then I got on here and started reading some blog posts. And then I started watching NBA dunk contests because someone was talking about Spud Webb.

But I have a lot I want to write about and time is dwindling. I was thinking I might start a whole blog about biking, too, but I guess I’m starting to spread myself thin.

Alright I’m going to eat some lunch and make some coffee and see what’s what.