Whoa man I missed some time there, missed some posts there I apologize.
It was crazy the weekend and I didn’t have a free moment. I went home and tried to observe my family. It was utter insanity what went on there and how I was able to ignore it for years. I don’t know how I’ll get the strength to confront it.
Then I saw Tool yesterday. I’ll tell you about it later.
And falling asleep on the toilet. Nothing else I have nothing else…
Flickering lights above the panty store. An irreversible march towards summoning a black car T6 something something something. So many thoughts you can’t separate them, you can’t even pick a handful. A damn shame the weather so nice and why you sitting there quart container full of acid reflux in your lap. Alone. Waiting to help out a friend with a fetish.
You’re not clever, you know, when you speak like that. You’re not clever, you know, when you talk to yourself like that.
Wouldn’t have noticed the battery on edge if I didn’t pull up Spotify looking for Travis Scott. Never heard of this dude till the other night, I swear. I swear I never did! I don’t watch what you watch, everyone. I don’t do the things everyone does!
Hahaha fuck it. Yeah I do. I’m a classic man. I’m an average man. I’m a man in a bench with a stomach ache and cartilage in my teeths.
Dude. Shits crazy.
I’m in love with everyone. Just want to go out all the time. Hang out. Can’t stand being home the only one awake late at night. Need somebody I can text all kinds of crazy shit. Need a day job. I ran all day, did all kinds of shit, had fifteen moments of transcendence. Get home and it’s not enough. Staring at splotches of color on my lovers face under the harsh subway lights.
What to do. Get a different job. Keep this job. Drink all night. Sleep all night. Calm down, you’ll be asleep soon enough what’s the big deal? I don’t know but it is a big deal. Never want anything to end. Except this interminable loneliness at the end of the night.
Wife is asleep. Wife wake up. Let’s be together now. Don’t wake me up, she says. Don’t make me not asleep, she says. If you stare at me too hard she says it wakes me up.
Maybe jerk off. Maybe I should try some pills. Maybe I shoulda smoked some weed. But no, tried that before. Came home the oven light wasn’t even on. Brother’s down the street. What’s good? Could try it out. He’s only 66% as old as I am, what does he know? Maybe if he was a girl I wasn’t related to. Need to work harder apparently. Work too hard to sleep.
Probably figure I’m looking at porn right now. With the bathroom fan on. The only room I can be alone in. I suppose I could write at the table, who would know? I suppose I could try that after all.
But then again I need my rest. I must go to bed. I must go to sleep. It’s only a few minutes of restlessness. Just push on through to the other side.
My wife wanted me to help her off the floor.
I stood over her and said give me your hand.
She said can you just reach down and pick up my hand?
I said no reach up and grab mine.
She was so stubborn she wouldn’t do it.
I wouldn’t give in.
After ten minutes she got up without help and went to bed.
My wife and I know each other well enough so that if one of us says something boring, there’s nothing to keep us from seeing how boring a thing that is to say.
Holy shit. I don’t want to write. I am so tired.
I’m listening to Lee Burridge’s new track 12cc. It’s awesome.
I’m waiting for the train home from work.
I invited the girl I was formerly obsessed with to the party on Governor’s Island where I’m going to take ecstasy.
She’s thinking about it.
Going to work I don’t feel like I can really make it. There’s nothing really wrong and that’s really the problem. When there’s nothing wrong something has to go wrong but when you don’t really know what it is you really can’t prepare.
Ran for the train. Caught the train.
Last night I went out drinking and drunk texted everyone, even the girl from Boston. Anyone will do when I get drunk. I feel so lonely at home. I never want to leave the bar. But I left around 2:30 and was all responsible and took a car and shit and got home safe and when I got there I was pissed and lonely.
Then I woke up this morning feeling so embarrassed about the dumbass texts I had sent.
Then I worked twelve hours and now I’m on the fuckin train home and it’s way before midnight.
People are making out like fuckin emus over here. All necks and awkwardness.