That’s too many isms. I am freaking the fuck out around here lately. I used to be really good with people and I think I still am outwardly, but I leave every interaction feeling a little disoriented. Sometimes a lot disoriented. I don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to relax around people. Maybe because I’m new in town?
Today I found out my schedule is going to go down to four days. Still five shifts but instead of 3 night shifts and 2 day shifts, it’s going to be the reverse. It’s great except that I have this expensive ass health care and I am broke now. God damn health care, too, because it seems like you just go to the doctor once a year and they don’t really do anything if you are healthy. I haven’t gone to the doctor in like ten years, though I did get free MRIs all the time when I lived in DC by participating in the National Institutes of Health studies, and I seem to be fine. Shit. Should have tried to keep that up.
My other job, who a couple weeks ago said they were going to see about bringing me back in for a couple shifts, they haven’t said anything and I don’t really want to go work there, but I do have a foot in the door already there so it’s slightly more enticing then trying to start somewhere else.
The upside is that I have Sundays off, so my wife and I will have a day off together every week.
I have been super jumpy all day. Well, except for this morning, when I rode the train in a modified fetal position. I got into the seat and literally hugged my backpack and buried my face in it. I didn’t exactly feel like a terrified child, but I felt like doing that so maybe I was just in denial that I felt that way. I was all depressed and shit and then I got a coffee with espresso in it and drank that shit all at once before starting work. It worked ok at first, in fact the whole shift was fine. In the end, though, I just feel off and crazy.
I waited on this table of dudes my age that were apparently in the fashion industry and they were saying fuck this and fuck that and I was at first thinking oh, cool someone who curses as much as I do. But for some reason it started to seem weird and then I started to think less of these guys. I think it had something to do with their clothes and what they were actually talking about, I don’t know exactly. By the end of their lunch I was thinking these mother fuckers should stop cursing so much.
I am listening to Rob Zombie and writing so I am starting to feel better. I thought that I might. But I wish I knew why I got so crazy in the first place. Why am I feeling so anxious out in the world? I hope I’m not becoming agoraphobic.
Anyone's Ghost 
You were in an nih study? That’s cool. As for the depression and freaking out..it happens to us all…try and work out what’s triggering it.
Yeah I was in a lot of NIH studies actually. I was in this one where you could win money in a game of (mostly) chance while in the MRI, but I figured out the pattern of it by purposely losing for the first couple of rounds. I always tried to figure out what they were testing. So I think they were testing the part of your brain that takes risks because…well the study was pretty involved, but anyway I figured it out and ended up making almost the max amount of money. They brought me back in because I had made more than twice as much as the second place guy (not that it was a competition) but the next test they did I couldn’t figure out the pattern because it had more to do with facial features and images whereas the first had to do with numbers and I ended up winning an average amount of money and they weren’t as interested then. Another time I think I screwed up the study because there was a list of words and they asked in the beginning if whether or not all of these were real words and what they meant if they were and they had “rend” on the list and I already knew that word but they were like are you sure all of these are real words? Even rend? So I think it had something to do with the brains reaction to words that it knows versus foreign words or something…anyway they were pretty cool and paid $150 dollars for a couple of hours.
haha i feel like that most days of the month. it’s helpful to know these are just waves of feelings and you just surf them. easier said than done though. so maybe i should shut up because i hate it when people give me advice for my anxiety issues…